I’ve been spending a great deal of time on my porch lately. I celebrated a peaceful afternoon yesterday with a book and a little nap out there. The breeze was blowing the canopy of leaves above me, the music from inside was gently playing….summer is coming.

It is eerily quiet in my house right now. I should be chasing Cole around, scrubbing feet in the bathtub, wrestling with pajamas, and negotiating major deals as to how we will be spending our time over the course of the next few days…Instead, Cole is in bed asleep since 6:00 pm. I picked him up from a play date that ended early because he had a fever. Apparently it ended with Cole sprawled out on his friends bed, moaning…..”I’m so sick.” Poor little dude.

Cole’s Dad and my Mom asked me  “Well, what’s the source of the fever?” Um. I have no fucking clue. I am just hoping he gets over it. Why do I feel like they are blaming me for his being sick? Internet, if you knew them,  you’d know…because they just blame me..because it is ALWAYS ALL MY FAULT! Just like Cesar Says. Add that smug dude to the list too.

Yeah…so all this quiet time is giving me the opportunity to reflect on my recent read Be the Pack Leader by Cesar Milan. Yes. I am tired of complaining about Lucy. I think my boss was tired of hearing about it, so she gave me her library copy of the book. I loathe this man, this “Dog Whisperer” because deep down I know he is right about everything. There he is on the cover with those happy, satisfied dogs, all happy and wise and good…rescuing animals and helping people.

He says two things that I am currently wrestling with…

1. In order to “be the pack leader” you need to exude calm assertive energy

2. If your dog is unstable, it is your fault. Your dog is mirroring you and unstable behavior in your dog is there because you are unstable or have unresolved instability that your dog is picking up on.

According to Cesar, Lucy is completely unstable, hence I am completely unstable. Is there a group for this? I seriously have the most F-ed up dog in the history of the universe, so now I can stand up and shout it from the rooftops “Hi, My name is Liz and My Dog Lucy is Fucked Up and It IS ALL MY FAULT!”

Thanks for that Cesar. I feel so much better now.

There has to be a solution to this problem, let’s look at THAT. Let’s fix THAT. So what is it with you Liz? What’s making you all unstable and crazy and frantic and screwing up your poor dog and your son and everyone around you?

I guess the answer would have to be I try to do too much . But we already knew that - didn’t we? Hmmm? Well, Cesar what’s a single Mom to do? I don’t have $500.00 bucks to spend on a treadmill for my dog. I don’t have 2-4 hours a day to run it out of her. So if i don’t do all those things what happens then? Who is there to pick up the mess? Who is there to take care of the bills and the yard and laundry and my parents? and who packs Cole’s lunch and reads him stories and sends notes to school and scrubs those toes? NOBODY. It’s just me and the one’s I care for and all I have for Lucy is my love for her and some serious resolve.

Would she be better somewhere else? Maybe. Would we be better for bringing some focus and calm to my world for my sake and Lucy’s and everybody else around me - Yes. Damn you Cesar. A resounding YES. The truth is I really don’t even know where to start. What ball do I let drop? Is there some secret to keeping them all up calmly and assertively that I don’t know about? Help Me Cesar Milan, you’re my only hope.

Sunday morning I ran a 5K race with Andrew. It was a damp, cold, slightly raining morning and the air stung the lungs a bit. Here are my stats -

I’m proud of myself…It’s been about a year since I ran my last race….it was the same run last year just before my accident. I think I am finally recovered physically and I’ve dropped about 10 of the 20 lbs I gained in the aftermath. I look at pictures of myself from the last year and I think - wow- what a mess! I’m so lucky to be through with that..it could have been so much worse. I truly am blessed.
So, I’m feeling like I’m ready to tackle something bigger, a new challenge. Racing is an incredible high. The energy of the group pushes you beyond your training pace and pushes you beyond what you think you are capable of. I am going to shoot for running a half marathon in the fall. Whew, that was hard for me to commit to that here in the sacred space of my blog but I tell myself that no one reads this shit anymore because I have been ignoring it for so long….but yeah…I’m renewing my committment to running and to blogging…

Writing in this blog helped me articulate and move beyond some tough personal struggles. I found support in the most unexpected and wonderful ways. I found a community of supportive women and men that I never would have known otherwise. THANK YOU DEAR READER!!! That is pretty powerful stuff.

However, I did need some perspective on the whole blogging thing. My life is going through some major changes with the beginning of a new relationship and some work stresses. I wasn’t sure and am still not sure of how much to share about it. I have so much hope and happiness right now…maybe that’s enough to put out there for now. With all that hopeful change comes some vulnerability

Costa Rica plans are shaping up. T -minus 25 days and counting. My heart is open, my body and my mind are so very ready for this trip. I’ve been practicing my Spanish on my commutes. I just have to figure out how to let go and let the r’s roll off my tongue.

Women of the World…I ask you….Have you ever worn these? They look so damn sexy in this picture….

…yeah…That is NOT the way I looked in them.

Do they stay up for you? They didn’t for me. They kept rolling down from the top. I ended up in the ladies room at work with a role of 2″ wide masking tape wrapping the top of them so that they would stay up for me during a fancy client meeting. I ended up with 2 large black and blue rings around both my upper thighs by the time I untaped myself after the meeting.

I knew I was risking it by wearing them without the obvious garter parts but I was having a wardrobe crisis and was late to work and I wasn’t thinking straight. What can I say? They worst part was that the tape made a little woosh-woosh sound on my lining of my skirt when I walked. I suddenly was no longer a 33 year old professional woman… I was again the chubby awkward girl in the corduroy pants that go swish-swash while trying to find someone to sit with at lunch.
Lingerie is supposed to feel empowering. I think I’ll stick with my cotton boy briefs and control tops.

It hit me today. I think I understand the fleetingness of these moments. Nothing is going to stay just like this, just now, this Spring. It’s kind of like watching the gas prices rise. I know if it keeps going like this, I am going to have to make sweeping changes in my life. I put it out of my head. I keep doing what I do. Reckless? Apathetic? Ignorant? Where’s that breaking point? Where’s the point of recognition that change is imminent? Imminent is a scary fucking word.

Right now. I don’t care. I’m barrelling right into it. Full speed. I booked that trip to Costa Rica for next month. I am jumping on that trampoline with my 5 year old till my legs hurt. Because as he just told me as I was putting him to bed… “I am going to be six soon and then I will make all the decisions.”

I told him “Yeah, have fun with that. That will be nice for me. What will you do for a job?”

He said “I’ll turn into XLR8 (Ben 10 alien) and SCHWOOOOOM you to work.”

Problem solved.

I’m attempting to un-do my block. I’ve been blocked now for a few weeks…no desire to write at all. I can’t pinpoint exactly why because life has been fantastic. It has been swirling around in a bright green bloom around me. Last night when Cole and I got home we jumped on our giant trampoline for a long time. We did air guitar moves and popcorn and bouncy butts. We were giggling, laughing, sweaty and out of breath by the end. We collapsed in a big heap and headed in for dinner when the sun got low. Like I said…pretty fantastic.

My parents returned from Ireland as giddy school kid versions of themselves. It has been a long time since I have seen either one of them so at ease, so content. They have never been travellers. Their broad world view came from books, PBS and inquisitive minds. Travelling was a luxury that you could feel guilty about…there were always other things that came first..like a new garage door, a car repair or college tuition bills. My Mom always told us that it was her life-long dream to ride a horse across the Irish countryside….and in her 60th year she finally did it with a little push from her girls.

Pretty Awesome.

I received this email from my Mom while they were there…..
I rode a piebald Tinker horse named Popeye (or Robert Redford - his Hollywood name), with a mustache!!! I rode up in the hills between Lisdoonvarna and Enniskilen with a view of Galway Bay in a brisk east wind straight from the Steppes of Russia brrrrr. I had a soft voiced Irish lad escort to chat up horses with. Dad took the pictures.

Love,
Mom & Dad

My Mom has also always talked about how she would love to write books when she retires. I set her blog up a few months back. Chapter 2 of this story will hopefully be told there.

Cole asked me if he could borrow my camera on Saturday morning. He took off with it upstairs and I heard non-stop giggling after that. He proudly showed me his work after about 50 shots. He is a total ham bone.